RTTB: Second Chances

“You are discovering who you really are”

Echoes of things said and not said bounce in my mind. The afterimages of the things I’ve done and not done flash in my hazy memories of the past year. Fantasies of things to come and gravel trails not yet traveled glitter like waking dreams as I run in the early hours.

Next week is the Beast, supposedly the thing I have been training for, but it doesn’t end there dear reader, not even close. I thought by now I could see the end, the ascent out of the valley, where beyond is rest and reflection. Five years ago when I ran the Beast, it was the end of an endeavor where the destination and goal were overshadowed by souls barely clinging to life. The following year would see the upheaval and fallout from healing and death. But now the Beast is not the end. My training has shifted, evolved. Whereas when I began this journey, I just wanted to do the Spartan Trifecta, and as time has gone on another Beast has risen. The Spartan Beast is not the end. It is only the beginning of not even the last leg of my journey.

I went to Enchanted Rock because there was a sword event canceled. A month later I fought in Baton Rouge. That tournament was not my best. Not sure where I was lacking, but it was one of the lowest finishes in a while. I’ve been disappointed in my performances in the last two Spartan races and I’ve been unwilling to acknowledge any gains or progress. All that, compounded with the thought that I failed at the Camp Gladiator Prelims. My path so far felt like one of failure and pointless effort.

“The journey you are on, it’s not worth it. You need to stop trying to impress yourself.”

Whatever path I am on, around the corner I have been offered renewed chances. The Beast still looms, a chance to try again and beat another previous time. After that, more chances to redeem myself in my fighting skills. And finally, unexpectedly, I was invited to the Camp Gladiator Games. I wasn’t in the first round of athletes to be invited. That voice I heard at the Prelims, the one that told me it was an exercise in failure, now tells me I don’t deserve the invite…

It’s true your attitude affects your performance. That voice whispering in my ear, degrading me, caused my breakdown in my car. But I’m silencing that voice. I won’t let this opportunity slip away. I have something to prove, to myself, to that voice. It’s a second chance, an opportunity to retry, vindicate, and validate myself. This is a real competition against other elite athletes. Although, I feel like I am an alternate, a default, a space filler, like I’m starting in last place. I want to show I am not.

Along with the Beast and the Games, I am now involved in other events some expected and some not.

The following is my schedule for the next 5 weeks:

Oct 22 The Beast in Granbury

Oct 28-30 Three event Tournament in Oklahoma

Nov 5 Two event Castle Tournament in Houston

Nov 12 Camp Gladiator Games in Austin

And finally:

Nov 19 Marathon in Shiner

The marathon I haven’t mentioned in my blog so far, although most of my friends and family know I plan to run one. Even that is not the end as I will explain:

When I was in middle school, we went on a family road trip. One of the places we stopped was Ft Davis, TX. There was something about the desert that woke some deep seated memory. Something from beyond touched me, grabbed me, cooled my soul. When I was an angsty teenager we went back for a week. Again, the mountains spoke to me, welcomed me back, did not want me to leave. I went back for another week again after I graduated high school and again there was some strange familiarity to the desert. It felt like home, like a place I had always been, but barely knew.

So, last March, flipping through my phone, I came across a race that was held in Ft. Davis: A 104 mile Ultra Marathon in the Davis Mountains. Suddenly the Beast felt small, like a monster troll had just been squashed by an even bigger fiend, one that loomed, dark and foreboding, casting a new shadow as it towered over the valley. With no hesitation, with no second thought, as soon as I knew of the race, I decided I would run it.

That was roughly seven months ago, and in roughly five months I plan to run a 104 mile Ultra Marathon. My workout focus has changed to more running, but I maintain the Camp Gladiator workouts. I also realized it would be a good idea to at least run a full marathon in preparation for the Ultra.

So, whereas The Spartan Beast was my goal, my monster, my endeavor, it pales in comparison to what I now face mere months away. And whereas most people strive and train to run a marathon, the one I’m running is only a training lap, less than a quarter in length of the new Beast that sleeps high above the valley and in the dry desert mountains.

The next 5 weeks will be a trial, obviously with enough fodder to fill blogs for the months that follow. I do not know what the next weeks hold in store dear reader, and you may not hear from me for a while. My tapestry is being sown without my knowledge of the next knot and color thread. But again, there are souls around me whose thread is running short. Soon they too will join the phantoms of the dead that stoically haunt me in the predawn hours just outside the light of my headlamp.

And that simple question haunts me too: “Why?” When my sweat blurs my vision, when my legs burn like acid, when my brain is screaming at me to “STOP!”, I keep going. Am I still doing this for me? Will it be worth it? Will I find who I am or what I’m looking for?

Out of the clouds comes the thunder and the rain. I choose not to find shelter. I am looking for that second chance, despite the sheets of rain and slippery boulders that roll in front of me. When I am past them and reach the next horizon, I will tell you of the things I have seen.

But that, dear reader, is a tale for another day…