I wore a ring for 8 years in one form or another. About half the time it was a silicone ring so I wouldn’t scratch my metal ring during workouts. When you wear something that long you get used to it, become conscious of it, worry about it. I took off the metal ring often to trade it out with the silicone one. I was always afraid I would lose one, or forget to wear one. Now I don’t wear it any more. It took less time than I thought for the tan line to fade. Every once in a while I realize I’m not wearing one and a quick twinge of fear runs through me thinking I lost it. But then I remember, I’m not wearing one anymore on purpose.
I reread my blogs from 5 years ago, from the first time I ran the Beast. An overarching theme running through all the blogs was me questioning why I was putting myself through the work and the torture. I understand now, better than last time. I’m doing this for myself. Of course a part of it is my longevity, to have more time with my kids, to maintain my health, to live longer. But the Beast is more than a race, it’s a goal, something to prove to myself. I’m doing this for me, I’m certain of that, more so than ever before.
My old blog I started chronicling my workouts at the beginning, explaining and detailing what I was doing and why. This year, it’s been less about the workouts and more about the journey. At this point in time I guess it’s necessary to at least touch on my routine if nothing else to add context; what I’m doing in between self reflection.
I’m working out 3 to 4 times a week with Camp Gladiator. The bootcamp style workouts have always done well for me. The variety of movements, the body weight exercises, the trainer and accountability keep me in line and in shape. I wake up at 4:30am to make it to the boot camp Monday Wednesday Friday. Sometimes (most of the time so far) Saturday mornings at 8:00 there is a boot camp too. Tuesday and Thursday I also wake up at 4:30am but those days I run and power lift. I know I could run 2 miles if I wanted to, but I’m starting over on a 5K app, just to rebuild my stamina. Once I finish the app I’ll just run 2 miles. For powerlifting, I’m on a program that is only working out once a week. Tuesday is deadlifts, Thursday is squats.
I’m not necessarily watching my diet. I’m not restructuring anything. I was counting my calories but after a few weeks I realized I was pretty consistent. The unexpected thing is, I feel like my body is communicating what is good food and what is not. I’m not having any cravings, and I will get full quicker. It’s easier to consciously not eat crap that’s put in front of me. I lost 7ish pounds within the first 2 weeks. I went from high 190’s to low 190’s and have been hovering around 190 ever since
I’ve also decreased my drinking…dramatically. I used to drink my homebrew until I got drunk Friday and Saturday nights. Sometimes Sundays. I also used to get migraines, but I was too proud to admit they were from drinking. If I do drink on the weekends, it’s very little, and not to get drunk. I’m not even sure if I’ve gotten drunk this year.
The alcohol was really the biggest issue sailing over everything. It contributed to weight, to migraines, to lethargy, and also the divorce. I knew drinking was a problem for me, in many of my relationships and health. I justified drinking in as many ways as I could. I would use excuses such as: Drinking only on the weekends (3 out of 4 days of the week); only drinking my homebrew (high alcohol, buying more equipment to brew multiple batches) and I’m still working out (although not on days I would have a hangover) And alcohol is empty calories which kept my weight from decreasing.
Now I can acknowledge how much alcohol was holding me back. It takes more than one day to recover from a heavy night of drinking. And if I drank 3 days in a row I would still feel like I was recovering well into the week, probably until I drank again. I’ve always preferred drinking alone, which I know is unhealthy, but it was a way of muting my demons, distracting the ghosts that fly around me, and the scars I’m trying to hide.
That’s what I’m coming to terms with: why I drink. Instead of asking why I am working out, I should have shifted the question more internally to why I escape. Therapy is helping address these questions. I took many paths to escape and never faced the road I was on. I could say this intense workout routine is a form of escape. The ghosts and fears I’m hiding from were easier to hide from at the bottom of a bottle. Sober, I’m using the early mornings, the sweat, the discipline to keep my mind off the Beast in the corner.
I could have easily gone another route. I hear the horror stories of divorce. I could have chosen a different path to deal with it. I could be drowning myself in drink, and other things. I could be staying up late, sleeping in late, awake grumpy with hangovers, maybe even at work. I could be eating like crap, watching too much TV, taking out my anger on others…but instead I’m taking a healthier path.
Not to say it is not another form of escape. At least it’s not detrimental to my health. But there’s that nagging Beast in the shadows with glowing eyes. It’s breath smells like beer and it’s musk like weed. The ironic thing is I feel the same way about working out as I do about heavy drinking. That feeling I had when I’d open a new beer at midnight after 4 hours of drinking to keep the escape going, its the same feeling I have now when I wake up at 4:30 to go torture myself in a different way. It’s an escape, self flagellation, torture. Distracting me from my environment, but it’s keeping the Beast at bay.
Dedication has many meanings. You can dedicate something to someone, like a book or a show. Dedication also means following through with an action, devotion to a cause. The last time I ran the Beast, I dedicated my actions to people, my kids, my wife. Now my dedication is to myself, and perhaps to you dear reader. If this blog were only for me I wouldn't publish it. It is a release, to spread my feelings out into the ether. Where is your Beast? What are you doing to keep it chained? Or is it loosed? Where does your dedication lay? When the cuts heal to scars, and the tan lines fade, will you display your past proudly, or hide it in plain sight?
It’s still a long road to the Beast, one mile marker at a time…